I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
