just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
