Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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