It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize