I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
