can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
