I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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