she smelled like a LAN party
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
