Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
