Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
