And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
