I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
