Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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