Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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