We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize