3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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