Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
