I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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