If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
