sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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