Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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