you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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