I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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