This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
