I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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