Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize