When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
