I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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