found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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