not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize