worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
