im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
