i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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