She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
