There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
