My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
