I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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