I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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