I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
