I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
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