We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
