More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
