First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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