wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
