I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
