and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize