if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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