Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
