you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
