I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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