Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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