I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
