soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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