And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
