Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
