Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize