my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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