If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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