If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
