We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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